We’ve all been there: the texts that seem too good to be true, almost like they were written by an algorithm.

The attention that is consistent and then almost insistent, like you are the prize and he’s dead set on winning.

Questions start to arise: he seems too perfect, too interested, too focused on a single ballot initiative. When you try to take your relationship to the next level, he dodges, somehow brings the conversation back to dialysis or fracking. You admire his single-minded dedication to progressive causes, but you can’t help wondering if this relationship will make it past November 3.

On the eve of this election, we’re here to help you answer the one question at the forefront of…

We want to join with every other PWI (that would be “predominantly white institution,” for any readers new to this movement) and say that we are so, so sorry for all of the racism that Black Americans experience on a regular basis.

If we have ever done anything to imply that our luxury beauty and health products with no backing in science or common sense are just for white people, we are truly, incredibly sorry. We will literally never stop saying sorry. Like ever. This will be your new form of oppression.

When we heard that the police sometimes murder…

I know saints are the type of guys I should want to date, but I can’t help it: I’m just not that into them. Maybe it’s their “holier than thou” attitudes, or the fact that they never even offer to pay for drinks. One saint I went out with shrugged and said, “vow of poverty” when the bill came, so I had to pick up the whole tab.

Sure, saints are dependable, but they’re also boring. Why do you think they’ve been around for centuries but their earning power has barely increased? …

Well, kind of. Didn’t you read your terms of service agreement?

Remember us? You thought you canceled us months ago, and then you saw the $9.95 charge on your monthly credit card statement, like a ghost from our favorite ghost movie, Ghost.

If you want to cancel your MoviePass subscription for some unfathomable reason, it couldn’t be easier. Just follow these 20 simple steps.

  1. Open your MoviePass app on the third Sunday of July, sometime between the hours of two and three am GST.
  2. When you don’t remember your password — which you inevitably won’t, since it’s been months since you actually used MoviePass, request that your password be faxed to…

It puts lives at risk

Photo: Michael Ciaglo/Getty Images

For months, the sheriff of Weld County, Colorado, has been on a media tour to talk about why he’d rather go to jail than enforce his state’s new gun safety law. The legislation empowers law enforcement to temporarily disarm people who are deemed a threat to themselves or others, but Sheriff Steve Reams said he’d prefer to willfully reject court-ordered gun removals.

“Well obviously no sheriff wants to be confined in their own jail, but if that’s what it takes to get this bill ironed out, then I guess that’s a sacrifice I’ll be forced to make,” Reams told CNN.

Get Out the Seeds to Get Out the Vote

By now your various social media feeds are saturated with talk about voting plans, but if you don’t have a pumpkin plan, rest assured you are a massive disappointment to your fellow progressives. We’re here to help turn that wrong into a right (by which we mean left).

Sure, phone and text banking are nice, and knocking on doors can’t hurt, but if you’re looking for a surefire way move the needle this election cycle, consider carving a political message or twelve into your pumpkins. …

I Mean, I Think. I Hope So. Come See Me on Book Tour—or Don’t!

I’m a little thrilled but mostly terrified to be going on tour to promote my new self-help book, Worry-Free Me: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Embrace Uncertainty, and Do All of the Things That Used to Scare Me, and You Can Too!

My publicist asked me to post my tour dates on my website, which I was hesitant to do because on the one hand I don’t actually want anyone to come to my events because then I’ll have to speak in front of them, but on the other hand I’ll be pretty embarrassed if no one comes to…

Yes, I am an FBI agent, but can you really blame a guy for wanting to leave work at work? Was it so wrong for me to crack open a cold one and shoot the breeze with my best friend, even though he sometimes swore under his breath in Russian and asked pointed questions about how things were going at the agency? I just thought he was kind of a weird guy, you know? Bit of an odd duck.

When I look back, yes, I suppose it’s strange that Philip and Elizabeth often got home at 4am. When I would…

Welcome to tonight’s live game of HQ! We’ve got a pun-packed trivia game for you this evening — you might even say we’re packing the heat!

We’ve decided to switch things up a bit this evening, thanks to a generous donation from our anonymous corporate sponsor! Instead of our normal $5,000 jackpot, we’ll be giving away a brand new teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini. No, that’s not quite it — we’re giving away a brand new AR-fifteeny!

You heard me right, H-cuties. This poppin’ pixie stick has yet to be used in any school, veterans home, or church —…

Kathleen Toohill

Words in @tnyshouts, @TheAtlantic, @mcsweeneys, @CatapultStory, @ElectricLit, @yelp. Defender of puns. Former sunflower seed butter apologist.

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