Commonly Googled Symptoms & Their Diagnoses, According to the Internet
- Gray Knuckles: If any of your knuckles appear off-color in the slightest, the most likely causes of this discoloration are, in order: liver disease, brain trauma, and cancer. Your exact diagnosis depends on which shade of gray your knuckles are. If your knuckles present as charcoal, you most likely suffered serious brain trauma recently and forgot about it. If your knuckles have developed more of a slate gray hue, you probably are suffering from a fatal combination of liver disease and melanoma and should immediately speak with an independent medical professional.
- FOMO: If you suffer from a fear of missing out, you may have scoliosis, a particularly deadly strain of plaque psoriasis, or prostate cancer. If you’re not sure if you’re afflicted with FOMO, the following questions can be helpful in reaching a diagnosis: Has there ever been a party, gathering, or wedding that you chose not to attend? Did you experience any second thoughts about skipping said party, gathering, or wedding? If so, you suffer from FOMO and should consult an independent medical professional to rule out scoliosis, this particularly deadly strain of plaque psoriasis, and prostate cancer.
- Hair Coming Out of Your Head After Vigorous Brushing: This symptom appears more commonly in women than in men. If you’ve ever run a comb or brush through your hair and seen strands of your hair stick to the brush, you may currently be having a heart attack or a stroke. This also applies to hair that falls out and clogs shower drains. If your hair doesn’t stay on your head where it belongs, you should probably consult an independent medical professional and rule out these diagnoses.
- Hunger After Not Eating for Six Hours: If you experience any hunger — including a rumbling stomach, irritability, or desire for food — after going six hours or more without eating, you may have scurvy, malaria, or polio. Hunger has many causes, one of which is a lack of food, but it also has other causes, which are more serious and should be evaluated by an independent medical professional. It’s important to consider the type of hunger you are experiencing. Are you craving oranges and lemons? Have you recently spent time on a pirate ship? If you answered yes to either of these questions, you are probably suffering from scurvy. If you answered no, your hunger is more likely due to malaria or polio.
- Pain After Spilling Boiling Water on Your Body: If you spill boiling water on any body part and then feel pain, you may have cancer. It’s possible that other outward indications of burns, like red skin and blisters, may in fact be caused by something more serious than the boiling water. Along the same lines, if you feel pain in your toe because someone in a stiletto stepped on it, you may have toe cancer. Toe cancer is rare but serious, and should not be underestimated. If someone steps on your toe and the pain doesn’t dissipate within 45 seconds, it would be wise to consult an independent medical professional to rule out toe cancer. Pinky toe cancer is especially pernicious, and survival rates are low.
- Too Many Tabs Open in Your Browsers: If you have more than three and fewer than 871 tables open in your Chrome, Safari, or Firefox browsers, you may suffer from a particularly nasty combination of debilitating migraines and necrotizing fasciitis. While it’s difficult to arrive at a diagnosis solely based on the amount of tabs open in your browsers, a large number of open tabs is cause for concern. If you’ve ever accidentally closed a tab and then thought, “shoot, I needed that one,” or panicked because a forced restart of your laptop caused you to lose the tabs you had open in your incognito browser, it would be wise to consult an independent medical professional.
- An Aversion Towards Justin Bieber: If you hear one of Justin Bieber’s hits on the radio — examples include “Sorry,” “Love Yourself,” “What Do You Mean?” and “Horseback Ride to Funkytown” (forthcoming) — and feel an urge to change the station, you may need a hip replacement and/or blood transfusion. While aversion towards Justin Bieber may seem innocuous at first, studies have shown that it can also be indicative of much more serious, and even fatal, conditions. Categorizing your feelings on a sliding scale from ambivalence to antipathy may prove useful in determining the seriousness of your condition. The stronger your feelings, the more important it is for you to consult an independent medical professional as soon as possible.
Disclaimer (because this is the Internet): These are not real diagnoses. If you are concerned about a particular symptom, it’s generally a better idea to call or go see a doctor than to Google your symptoms on the Internet, which is what I did, which led me to write this piece.
tl;dr: see a doctor before you end up writing this piece.
