Excerpt from Golden Globes Opening Monologue or Quote from State of the Union?
I’d like to draw your attention to the diversity of our audience this evening. This is the first year in this event’s history that we have less than 80% white men in attendance.
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I know you’ve all had a fair amount to drink tonight, but please remember that our new unisex bathroom stalls are meant for one person, and one person only. We have more than enough seat fillers eager to take your place if security needs to forcibly remove you from the venue.
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I’m sure many of you watching at home think the people in this room are consumed by self-interest. What you don’t know is that most of them care deeply about appearing to care deeply about you.
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There’s a lot of noise about ISIL in the media these days, but we have to remember the most important difference between us and them: Could ISIL have sent Matt Damon to Mars and brought him back again — multiple times?
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It’s time to acknowledge the damage we’ve done to the environment, and shift our reliance from fossil fuels to clean energy. Look under your seat…everyone gets a Tesla! You get a Tesla, and you get a Tesla…what’s that? Sorry, I was just reading the teleprompter Steve Harvey set up…I’m now being told that Prius is the only car that would fit under the seats.
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I don’t do what I do for the money. Yes, the perks are nice — the big house, private jet — but that’s not what’s important to me. If I wanted to make more money for doing less work, I would be selling CDOs on Wall Street.
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When I stood on this stage in 2012, half of the people here hoped I would never come back. The other half has sure asked for a lot of damn favors. Despite what many of you seem to assume, no, I am not personally acquainted with Benedict Cumberbatch.
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I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished over the course of my career. Yes, I made many of you angry. But like Sinatra said, “I did it my way.” Or at least, as close to “my way” as I could get.
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I, for one, don’t believe that aging white men who make inflammatory statements and have orange-tinted skin should dominate the conversation tonight.
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If Donald Trump wins, I hope you’ll join me in signing a Change.org petition asking Britain to let the U.S. rejoin the monarchy.
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Thank you, and may God bless America. Someone sure needs to.
Originally published at okkiley.wordpress.com on January 18, 2016.
