How Should Women Vote? We Asked 12 Men for Their Advice

Hey, ladies! Whether you’re deciding which casserole to put in the oven or which shade of blush makes your cheeks pop like juicy apples, we know you have way too many decisions to make in any given day.

Why add to your stress by laboring over a silly decision like who to vote for in the upcoming presidential election? To make your lives a little easier, we collected advice from a dozen men who’ve got the low-down on all of the important issues. Here’s what they had to say.

Marco, Age 55. Honolulu, HI

If you think about it, women got the right to vote pretty recently, so it’s less intuitive for them. For men, voting is second nature, like playing sports, or eating food that women cook. So I guess my advice would be to practice. Hold fake elections with your friends, like baby showers, except instead you have debates and ballots and things like that.

Dale, Age 21. Evansville, IN

I think women who vote should make a list of the pros and cons of each candidate. Like, if healthcare is important to you, which candidate has better healthcare? Or which candidate will make it illegal to fire you for being pregnant. I don’t think it’s fair for pregnant women to get fired. Unless they’re super pregnant. I don’t want to see a newborn baby and a placebo and all that gross stuff at work.

Sandy, Age 36. New York City, NY

I think the most important advice I would give is that you shouldn’t vote if you’re on your period. When my wife is on her period, she says crabby things like, “No, I won’t bring you another beer,” and “Will you please take out the trash for once?” She basically won’t listen to reason, and that’s why I think women on their periods are a danger to our democracy.

James, Age 19. Colorado Spring, CO

I think girls should vote for whoever wants to legalize pot. They legalized pot in Colorado, and I’ve been stoned ever since. I’m pretty much cool with all drugs except for meth, because I saw this super long documentary, Breaking Bad, about how many people get killed every day by meth dealers. So my advice for girls would be to vote for whoever likes to smoke pot but doesn’t do meth.

Alan, Age 40. Fresno, CA

I know women might want to vote for another woman because they hate men, but think about it this way. All the Muslims voted for Barack Obama because he’s also a Muslim, and then we got ISIS. So if all the women vote for Hillary, we’re going to get something much worse than ISIS, like a woman ISIS. Which was pretty much what that Ghostbusters movie was all about.

Peter, Age 74. Omaha, NE

I’ll try to put this in terms my wife would understand. On one hand you’ve got a meatloaf. Not very exciting — status quo, you could say. Then on the other hand you’ve got bacon in a frying pan, and no splatter shield. You don’t really want meatloaf, because you’ve had meatloaf every damn Tuesday night for the last forty years, but at least the meatloaf isn’t going to jump out of the pan and burn you. Know what I mean?

George, Age 51. Bismarck, ND

The decision seems pretty obvious to me. You can vote for a man who had a reality TV show, got a ton of money from his dad, and is married to a super model. Or you can vote for a grandmother. Do you think our Founding Fathers wanted a grandmother running the country? No, they didn’t. If you read the Constitution, it doesn’t say that exactly, but it’s implied.

Luke, Age 28. Providence, RI

I read somewhere that if we get enough signatures on a petition, they have to make Bernie Sanders the nominee of the Democratic Party. But if that doesn’t happen, I definitely won’t vote for Hillary. She’s in the pocket of the big banks. Did you hear about the Wells Fargo thing? I heard she told them to create all those fake accounts.

Chase, Age 37. Nashville, TN

The way I see it, both candidates are old, white, and rich. And untrustworthy. Can’t trust either of ’em. So if you’re a woman, I think what you should be looking at is, whose tweets are the funniest? Because the issues are too complicated. I want a president who’s going to be tweeting crazy things at all hours of the night, in case I wake up and can’t go back to sleep. Then at least I have something to read.

Fred, Age 64. Phoenix, AZ

I think the problem women have is voting with their emotions. They feel bad for Hillary because her husband cheated on her, so they’re going to vote for her. So my advice would be: Don’t vote with your emotions. Don’t think about sentimental things like how other groups of people might be affected by your vote. Do what your head tells you. Do you want law and order, or do you want dislaw and unorder? Seems pretty simple to me.

Matt, Age 49. Dallas, TX

The women I know sometimes misremember things, so my advice would be to write notes on your hand before you go into the voting booth. Like which candidate sent confidential emails to Russia, and which one got a bunch of Americans killed, and which one owns really nice hotels. That way you won’t get confused and forget who’s who when you’re about to vote.

Albert, Age 52. Detroit, MI

I don’t understand the question — can’t women make up their own minds? I understand this is a recurring feature in your publication, but—pass. I really don’t know how to answer this.

Sponsored post paid for by the Association of Women Voters Who Are Somehow Still Supporting Donald Trump

Words in @tnyshouts, @TheAtlantic, @mcsweeneys, @CatapultStory, @ElectricLit, @yelp. Defender of puns. Former sunflower seed butter apologist.

Words in @tnyshouts, @TheAtlantic, @mcsweeneys, @CatapultStory, @ElectricLit, @yelp. Defender of puns. Former sunflower seed butter apologist.