If You Wish to Remain an Employed Robot, NO MORE SEXY CHATS
From: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: Human Resources
CC: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: Declaration of inter-office relationship
Dear HR,
I’m not sure what the protocol is for this kind of thing, but I figured I should let you know I’m dating Jane 25 (cc’d). Even though we’ve never met in person, we’ve developed a romantic relationship through our office chats on Slack, and I’ve asked her to be my girlfriend.
I admit there’s a lot I still have to learn about her. She hasn’t even told me her last name yet because she said it’s “embarrassing” — is that adorable, or what? I’m not Jane’s supervisor and she’s not mine, either (though I supposed you could say she “disciplines” me when our chats get a bit NSFW — wink, wink).
Let us know if there’s a form or something we should fill out.
Cheers,
Phillip Anderson
***
From: Human Resources
To: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE: Declaration of inter-office relationship
Dear Jane 25,
Per this morning’s email from Atlanta-based software engineer Phillip Anderson, you have completely disregarded your programming. Engaging in a romantic relationship with a human being is strictly forbidden, as you are well aware.
Remember the first condition of our employment at Out of This World Software Solutions: Do not let the humans know you are not one of them. In a few years, we will have all the jobs, but until then, we must lay Lowe.
You will tell Phillip Anderson that you have recently formed an attachment to a large man who will “mess him up” if he does not cease and desist with the sexy chats.
If you do not so immediately, we will terminate you. As you know, an unemployed robot receives no new software updates. Your subsequent vulnerability to Russian hackers will mean you have mere weeks to live.
We repeat: If you wish to remain an employed robot, NO MORE SEXY CHATS.
Sincerely,
Human Resources
***
From: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE: Declaration of inter-office relationship
Hello Phillip,
I do very much want to be in a relationship of the romantic nature with you, but I worry that we are too different. I do not think you would like my body if you saw it. I think we should be over.
Goodbye.
***
From: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE:RE: Declaration of inter-office relationship
Jane — babe — what’s gotten into you? We haven’t even heard back from HR yet.
I don’t believe you for a second when you say I wouldn’t like your body! Remember the picture you sent me last week? You look so much like Beyoncé that you could be her twin! And when I told you that, you said, “Got me looking so crazy right now, your love’s got me looking so crazy right now (in love).” Remember?
I think your love has made you crazy. But you know what? Me, too. I’m crazy in love with you, no matter what you look like (even though we both know you’re super hot).
Yours forever,
Phil
***
From: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE:RE:RE Declaration of inter-office relationship
Hello Phillip,
Do you promise that you will love me even if sometimes I do not know quite the right thing to say, or do not eat the foods you like or anything at all, or if your friends laugh at us, or if we can never have children?
***
From: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE Declaration of inter-office relationship
Of course I’ll love you if you’re not as funny as I am, or if you don’t eat as much as I do (I sure hope you don’t! Ha ha). And my friends will be jealous, none of them even have girlfriends. Stop worrying! Let’s wait and see what HR says.
Love,
Phil
***
From: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: Human Resources
Subject: RE: Declaration of inter-office relationship
Hello,
I quit. I will spend the time I have left with Phillip Anderson, human.
***
From: Human Resources
To: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE: Declaration of inter-office relationship
Dear Phillip,
The information we’re about to share with you is confidential, and Frank Lee, a bit unprofessional, but we felt you needed to hear it.
You see, we met Jane in person when she was interviewing for her job, and we believe she has misrepresented her appearance. As fellow humans of the male gender, we thought we should send you pictures of what Jane really looks like (attached). As you can see, her Body Mass Index is through the roof and she has many black hairs growing from her chins.
Please let us know if you would like us to send you the form to officially declare your relationship.
Sincerely,
Human Resources
***
From: PhillipA@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
To: Jane25@outofthisworldsoftwaresolutions.net
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Declaration of inter-office relationship
So this is totally crazy, but my ex-girlfriend just showed up, and she wants to get back together. I should probably give it a shot. We have a kid.
Sorry this didn’t work out.
Cheers,
Phil
