Just in Time for Protest Season: Goop’s New Anti-racist Body Wash

We want to join with every other PWI (that would be “predominantly white institution,” for any readers new to this movement) and say that we are so, so sorry for all of the racism that Black Americans experience on a regular basis.

If we have ever done anything to imply that our luxury beauty and health products with no backing in science or common sense are just for white people, we are truly, incredibly sorry. We will literally never stop saying sorry. Like ever. This will be your new form of oppression.

When we heard that the police sometimes murder people, our first thought was, “wasn’t there an episode of Law and Order about that once?” Then we learned that Law and Order is bad now, so immediately put out an email blast to you, our loyal Goopies, asking everyone to tell Dick Wolf to please jump into a fiery volcano for the damage he’s personally done to our culture and society.

And you came through, just like we knew you would — more than 20,000 of you tweeted at Dick in the span of just two hours. This is what democracy looks like.

Like all woke white Americans these days, we too are committed to doing “the work.” One of the forms that our newfound activism has taken is our Antiracist Body Wash, guaranteed to help you scrub off your white privilege and send it down the drain where it belongs!

On the back of each bottle of Antiracist Body Wash are conversation starters you can use to foster meaningful conversations about race with your Black friend. Examples include:

• I’m so sorry about slavery. Would it make you feel better to curse my ancestors or punch me in the face?
• Martin Luther King, Jr. really got a raw deal. I can’t believe the FBI wanted him dead and now they tweet his quotes out on MLK Day. Can you please tell me all the ways that I’m being a good white person?
• I still think OJ did it, but I do understand why so many Black people supported him. What’s your favorite football team and do you think they’re going to have fans in the stadiums this season?
• In the past week, I’ve been forced to confront my implicit biases for the first time. We all have implicit biases, even you. I forgive you for calling me a dumb blonde when I assumed that “HBCU” was a community college I had never heard of before. Is there anything else you’d like to apologize for?
• Have you heard of ‘white fragility?’ Apparently some white people are afraid to confront their privilege and uncomfortable with talking about race. Aren’t you glad I’m not like them?

Made with real exfoliated crystals harvested somewhere in Africa, this Antiracist Body Wash will help you to be your best, most powerful ally, whether that’s saying “No! Stop!” loudly when a person of color is being talked over during a silent meditation retreat, or lobbying for the integration of your country club.

Because we’re in this to make a difference, not a quick buck, three percent of all proceeds of this body wash will go to the Goop Foundation, which provides expired Goop products to inner-city youth, to help them look and feel their very best.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned in these harrowing, tragic past few weeks, it’s that there’s no one right way to be an ally. Whether you came to the fight this morning or last week, there’s no shortage of actions you can take.

Our job is to help you, dear Goopies, be the best, least privileged white allies you can be, which is where our Antiracist Body Wash comes in. If you don’t buy it, you’re probably a tiny bit racist.

In Solidarity,

The Team at Goop