New Year’s Resolutions I Can Probably Keep, But No Promises

1. Don’t run for president of the United States and win the electoral college but lose the popular vote by more than three million votes.
2. Don’t go to the Olympics in Rio as a swimmer and get drunk and damage a gas station and then allege I was robbed at gunpoint.
3. Don’t get into a feud with Kanye West over whether he did or did not get permission to refer to me as a bitch in one of his songs.
4. Don’t marry Anthony Weiner.
5. Don’t make a whitewashed parody of and/or tribute to Lemonade.
6. Don’t make lemonade.
7. Don’t get a job at Wells Fargo and create fake accounts for hundreds of users.
8. Don’t become an acquisitions editor at Simon and Schuster and give a $250,000 book deal to Milo Yiannopoulos.
9. Don’t learn how to spell Yiannopoulos. He’s not worth it.
10. Don’t attempt to recreate the balloon scene in Up and require rescuing by a helicopter.
11. Don’t attempt to golf at an 18-hole course with marshmallows.
12. Don’t attempt to mini-golf with marshmallows (the kids will eat all the marshmallows).
13. Don’t attempt to bowl with a watermelon (it’s not worth the fee they charge to clean the lane).

Wish me luck…I’m gonna need it.