Robot Got Your Job? Apply to One of These Silicon Valley Companies That Inexplicably Can’t Manage to Hit Its Diversity Quota

FluffPill

Fluffed pillows, while you work.

Here at FluffPill, we believe there is literally nothing worse than flat or lumpy pillows (and yes, we believe we are using the word “literally” correctly in this context, and feel no shame whatsoever). When you took on student loan debt to attend college or graduate school, maybe you dreamed of working at an organization that would combat the gender wage gap, or fix the prison industrial complex, or end our country’s reliance on fossil fuels. And hey, if you really want to scrape by on $40,000 a year, go right ahead.

OR — and here us out — or you could work at a startup that’s helping Silicon Valley’s best and brightest sleep better at night by fluffing their pillows for them while they’re at work. These men have a lot on their minds, like the fate of human civilization, but also other things, like whether they might get fired for asking the female engineer to make them a sandwich. They need a good night’s sleep more than anyone, and it’s our mission to provide that for them.

If you want to work at a place where you can make a difference and change the world, at least a little bit, by extension, then FluffPill is the place for you. Employees at our Mountain View headquarters enjoy a fully stocked cafeteria, voice recording devices that transmit unflattering remarks about coworkers directly to supervisors, unlimited paid time off, adult diapers so no one ever has to leave their desks, bimonthly access to the company yacht, and the opportunity to accompany one of our FluffPillars for a day of fluffing (provided you agree to refrain from discussing any details of your employment at HQ with your FluffPillar — no need to clue them in on how the other half lives!).

GreenMoneyGreenLight

Finally, a merit-based traffic system.

Have you ever sat at a traffic light for what seems like FOREVER and thought, if only I could pay $5 to drive through this intersection right now and not have to wait, I totally would? Us too. At GreenMoneyGreenLight, we recognize that when it comes to traffic, NOT everyone is created equal. There are people who have to accept traffic as a necessary fact of life, and people who have better things to do with their time. The mission of GreenMoneyGreenLight is to reward people who have pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and climbed the ladder of America’s meritocracy by eliminating thousands of hours of time wasted in traffic from their lives.

The best part? Just like with trickle-down economics, giving more to the wealthy means everyone wins! Once those who can afford to purchase one of GreenMoneyGreenLight’s flashing green car lights for $55,000 (chump change for any founder or VC worth his salt — accompanying siren sold separately) and speed through intersections, forcing other, poorer drivers to yield, there will be less traffic for everyone. Our customers win, we win, and the poors win, too, which makes it a win-win-win.

Here at GreenMoneyGreenLight HQ, we’re firm believers in the “work hard, play hard,” ethos. If you’re pregnant, an alcoholic, or abstaining from alcohol for health or personal reasons, we are probably not the best fit for you. We legally can’t discriminate against you, but you should probably consider working somewhere that doesn’t sponsor weekly Margarita Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and Falling Down Fridays (like a toy store, or maybe an elementary school). Also, if you can’t take a joke, please don’t bother applying. We’ve fielded a lot of complaints about our C-suite execs over these past few months, and as a result, we had to let go of our HR department.

FireDroneDragon

Basically dragons, but in drone form.

We’re disrupting the drone industry by providing a product that no one is asking for, but everyone definitely wants: fire-breathing drone dragons. Using a drone to take pictures, or to assassinate enemy combatants and the odd civilian or two hundred is all well and good, but have you ever wanted a drone that picks up a can of beer and deposits it into your buddy’s hands from hundreds of feet in the air, possibly crushing an unwitting passerby in the process? Yeah, us too, but unfortunately some other guys beat us to it.

We recently raised $6 million in seed funding for FireDroneDragon, which is pretty much what it sounds like. Customers can order unique, one-of-a-kind fire-breathing drones customized to look like dragons from their favorite fantasy series, like Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones or Harry Potter. For the kids on your wish list, we also have models from How to Train Your Dragon and How to Train Your Dragon 2.

Does this drone have potentially dangerous applications? Probably, but it seemed super cool so we thought we’d make it anyways! Here are some sayings we subscribe to at FireDroneDragon: “Ask forgiveness, not permission.” “Move fast and break things.” We had Banksy spray paint these slogans of tech titans gone before us on the walls of our hip loft space, right next to the sign that says: “Please don’t vape near the testing room — remember what happened to Chris! And John! And other John!”

We definitely prioritize safety at FireDroneDragon. Well, mostly fun, but with a dash of safety thrown in, for our moms. Note to applicants: FireDroneDragons have not yet been approved by the FAA, but we’re confident that it’s only a matter of time, so we are currently filling orders (see mottos #1 and 2).