Sean Spicer’s Russian Salad Dressing Recipe

  • 1 cup of mayonnaise
  • 1 pint KGB (kale gogi berries)
  • 2 pounds testosterone
  • 3/4 tablespoon Viagra
  • 1 gallon crude oil
  • 6 bars solid gold
  • 1 packet unscented foam Rogaine
  • 1/2 cup sweet and sour cabbage
  • 3 handles Tito’s vodka
  • 1 dash of radionuclide polonium-210

Mix wet ingredients in blender for approximately 47 years. Melt gold bars in microwave, pausing every 30 seconds to stir. When gold has liquified, pat dry with American flag, then discard flag.

Blend KGB and sweet and sour cabbage using “pulverize” setting on blender. Combine with gold and mixed wet ingredients, stirring with a bayonet or sword (whichever is handy). Heat coal-burning stove (this is the only type of stove that will suffice) to 500 degrees.

Bake in a 9x13 pan for eight years, or until stove forcibly ejects pan. Let cool for four years. Insert pan into the oven again, and bake for five more years. Dressing should be extremely angry when poked with a fork or toothpick.

Dressing pairs well with traditional American dishes like free speech, voting rights, and equality, though it may completely mask the flavor of the original dish.

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Words in @tnyshouts, @TheAtlantic, @mcsweeneys, @CatapultStory, @ElectricLit, @yelp. Defender of puns. Former sunflower seed butter apologist.

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Kathleen Toohill

Kathleen Toohill

Words in @tnyshouts, @TheAtlantic, @mcsweeneys, @CatapultStory, @ElectricLit, @yelp. Defender of puns. Former sunflower seed butter apologist.

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