Tea Company Accidentally Hires Cynic to Write Inspirational Sayings on Teabags

1. When you think everyone is talking about you, they are.

2. If at first you don’t succeed, give up shortly thereafter.

3. Striving for anything will only make you sweat and pass out.

4. You are an ant and God is about to step on you.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, then death.

6. You are the Michael Scott of your office.

7. Your tuna sandwich is not the reason people avoid you.

8. Inner beauty matters only to those who are unattractive.

9. Remember all of the terrible things humans do.

10. Remember Harambe.

11. If you’re having a bad day, remember: it may get worse.

12. Peace is attainable only for the willfully ignorant.

13. Do not despair. You are not important enough.

14. Love is a candle flame on a windy night.

15. Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Self doubt.

16. Life is like a box of chocolates that will give you ebola.

17. If you aspire to success, someone less competent will defeat you.

18. The equal playing field is the delusion of the privileged.

19. This crappy job doesn’t even give me benefits.

20. And I’m probably going to be replaced by a robot soon.

21. Seriously, if you read this and you’re hiring, shoot me an email.

22. But it’s not like anyone would want to hire me, so why bother?

23. You know what? I don’t even like tea. It makes me irritable.