Trump/Pence: An American Musical

Last night, the very untalented cast of the least successful musical ever dared to bring politics into a very unpolitical show. One of their cast members told the Vice president-elect Mike Pence, the most inclusive and pro-LBTW-whatever-the-rest-of-the-letters-are leader ever that he wasn’t welcome in their theater.

My very brave and truthful supporters told me that the bouncers of the Richard Rodgers Theatre made Mike Pence leave. Or maybe that was his security detail. I don’t know what happened, but whatever Breitbart said is right.

I’ve seen #BoycottHamilton trending on Twitter, and I want to thank all of my brave and truthful supporters who are refusing to see this bigoted and hateful musical. And I have an announcement for you—this spring, right across from the Richard Rodgers Theatre, and at every other theatre on Broadway other than the Richard Rodgers, we will be performing Trump/Pence: An American Musical.

Just because I know how excited everyone will be to pre-order the soundtrack, I’ll give you a few of our titles as a teaser:

“You’ll Be Back (In Your Place, Liberals)”

“Wait For It (You’re Going Down, China)”

“Meet Me Inside (Because My Skin Looks Too Orange in the Sunlight)”

“What Comes Next (I’m Thinking a Coronation)”

“Take a Break (Crooked Hillary, for the Rest of Your Life!)”

“Say No to This (Free Speech, Freedom of the Press)”

“We Know (That Putin Is a Great Person and an Ally to Our Country!)”

“Burn (The Planet! Because Climate Change is a Hoax)”

“Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story (I Decide!)”

You might have some questions for me, like: President-elect Trump, it’s so generous of you not to just shut Hamilton down. How are you so kind in the face of so much discrimination against you? To which I would say, I will allow Hamilton to remain open so we can crush them. When all of my shows are sold out every night and I’m making billions of dollars, and Lin-Manuel Miranda is crying over his last $10, then I’ll know we won fair and square.

We all know Hamilton is a lie. The actors in the show look nothing like the real Founding Fathers, who were heroes. In our musical, we care about the truth, so we’ll only be casting straight white men. Maybe a few straight white women, because I don’t want men playing Ivanka and Melania. Gross.

Your next question is probably, President-elect Trump, who is possibly talented enough to play you? And the answer is, nobody. So I will be playing myself. It will be hard to star in 39 theaters every night and rule the country, but if anyone can do it, I can. I’ll do a song in each theater, and the rest of the time, I’ll just play speeches of myself on the big screens, and people will still pay $500 a ticket to see it, because they love me.

If you’re worried about me being too busy to star in Trump/Pence: An American Musical, all I have to say is I met with President Obama, and he said I’ll probably be the most successful president ever and really don’t have to worry too much about the day-to-day. I’ve got great people on my team: Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, Tom Riddle. They’ll need my advice on big picture stuff, but I trust they’ve got the little stuff, like governing, handled.

Trump/Pence: An American Musical will be about an underdog who started with nothing—me—and became the most powerful person in the world. Alexander Hamilton wasn’t even president. My first act in office will be to remove him from the $5 bill, or whatever bill he’s on, because he’s a loser.

I hope you’re all very excited to see Trump/Pence: An American Musical. If not, I’m going to make you see it anyways. The New York Times theater critics are going to write that it’s the best musical ever, which it is, otherwise they’ll never write a review again.

And now I tell myself, break a leg, Donald, which I will, but not my real leg, because broken bones are for sissies.