We Here at NASA Have Decided to Allow People Who Think We Faked the Moon Landing a Voice in the National Debate

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has been sharply critical of conspiracy theorists who accuse us of faking the 1969 lunar landing. But not all conspiracy theorists have been persuaded. In the spirit of open debate, and in hopes of helping people who believe the lunar landing happened better understand the views of those who don’t, we wanted to let conspiracy theorists make their best case for our having faked the first manned lunar landing, and all subsequent lunar landings. In the interest of balance, we’ll also present a letter from Buzz Aldrin. Neil Armstrong declined to comment.

To NASA:

First off I wanted to say hi to my mom, even though she’s sitting upstairs as I type this. Next time she tells me to get off reddit, I’m going to say, “do you know who you’re talking to, Mom? You’re talking to a bona fide expert on the U.S. space program, whose comment has been published on a government website (and also, thanks for letting me keep living here)!”

Second off, here’s the thing about the lunar landing — where’s the proof? Like Cuba Gooding Jr. says in Jerry McGuire (Tom, if you’re reading this, HMU — we have a lot to talk about): “Show me the money!” You can’t just accept everything the government tells you. Like, would a building hit by a plane really collapse in on itself instead of disappearing altogether, and is it any coincidence that the opioid epidemic skyrocketed when they started putting fluoride into tap water, and if there was only shooter in the JFK assassination, why did they name an airport after him? These are just a few of my questions.

After my teachers taught me about Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong, I wanted to be them. I even dressed up both of them for Halloween in third grade by getting a buzz cut and wearing a muscle shirt (Buzz Armstrong, get it). But the girl I had a crush on laughed at me, and ever since I’ve known that something was totally fishy with those astronauts.

In conclusion, I just wanted to say that I hate women. But also if any of you want to date me, that’d be cool too.

JOSH PECKERSON

CEDAR RAPIDS, I.A.

To NASA:

Internal memo (not for circulation): Clearly we can’t let Eric speak on camera again. Let’s draft something he can submit for that NASA initiative the boss ordered. We’ll make it folksy and charming, no big words, so people might think he actually wrote it.

How about something like: “I applaud NASA’s commitment to listening to both sides of this important debate. This country only works when we don’t let political ideologies divide us.”

How does that sound? Think the numbskull can handle submitting this on the website, or does one of us need to do it for him?

ERIC TRUMP

DISTRICT OF COLUMBUS

To NASA:

Hi NASA my name is Sherry and I am seven. I wanted to write to Santa but my daddy says Santa Claus is a sad byproduct of ramp commercials and told me to write to you instead.

Daddy told me to write about the moon but I don’t have much to say about the moon other than my friend Jessica says you can’t eat it and it is very hot. Or is that the sun.

I have been a very good girl this year even though it has only been a few weeks. For Christmas I would like a new pony and also a new daddy if that is something you can do. Thank you and tell Rudolph I say hi.

SHERRY L.

SALINAS, C.A.

To NASA:

I was heartened to see U.S. finally learned some humilities. I wonder if maybe this come from current president, who understands all the thing that Russia can do, but will not do as long as he stays in line. I know he does not read the website of the NASA, or anything else, but in case the Foxes and the Friends will do a report on this story, I would like to stay: I am so glad that NASA has come to their senses and admitted that they faked the moon landing.

I am also very glad that Donald remembers who his real friends are, and what they might do if he steps out of line. I would like to thank the NASA for finally giving real Americans like myself the chance to tell the truth about lies of U.S. government.

V. PUTIN (NO RELATION)

MOSCOW, I.D.

To NASA:

I’m too old for this shit.

BUZZ ALDRIN

SATELLITE BEACH, F.L.